Angel's Voice =)

If i have a wish, it is to have him in front of me in person, singing to me my most favourite song by him: Ru Guo Wo Bian Chen Hui Yi (If i Became A Memory)

=)

and part of it is granted today!!!!!! i am so H.A.P.P.Y!!!!

Today, there was an award show organised by Myfm in Genting Highlands. Tank was nominated for the best romantic song award. i was watching this through television anyway. and kept my fingers crossed and prayed hard that he'd win. and yes, he did!!!! omg i was so ecstatic i even stood and clapped for him(was in the restaurant, but who cares i'm his big big fan!!!!). after finishing his speech, he sang part of the song.

and a few secs later............... my phone rang

"Hello buddy! can u hear me?" (behind very noisy, and he was shouting through the line)

"yeah, i think so. but u need to speak louder!" (i shouted back)

it was my junior buddy. all the way from....

"Buddy, i'm in $%@*^& now!" (reception damn bad, cant hear where he was)

as i was "Har, i cant hear u!!" all the time, i heard something. something that almost brought me to tears.

i heard Tank's voice at the noisy background.

"OMG!!!! buddy, i heard him!!!!!!"

"haha, finally. yeah that's him. live from Genting for u."

i can tell u, that really makes my day. after one whole week, this really brings me great deal of joy. thank u buddy! u're such a considerate thing lol. din know u still remember me liking that song arigatou! listening to tank through the phone is million times better than seeing him on tv. i felt he's really that near to me. thanks for the call. thank u =)

SUPPORT TANK!! ur songs, talent and voice can bring hopes to ppl like me. i wish u the best. take care of ur health and continue to make wonderful music =)

Rojak Fruit

today.......

dunno what to say

happy. yeah
conned. yeah
missing someone. yeah
angry. yeah
disappointed. yeah
challenged. yeah
chasing for the impossible. yeah
dilemma. yeah
think too much. yeah

haiz. all feelings mixed up like rojak buah. i think i'm losing it.

2010 is a roller coaster and it's only January.

do i have what it takes to finish this ride? hope so.

Friends For Laughs Only?..?

Something's bugging me very much when i'm blogging this. and it has been bugging me too since this morning. i remembered once when a junior confessed to me a trouble of hers, she said this: do u have a true fren now in uni? i dont have, u see. when i was in secondary skul, i used to have. we shared almost everything. but now in matric, i realise i have nobody at all. or rather, i cant depend on anyone anymore.

and with that i replied: it's what life is all about.

and now i can truly believe what i said. or shud i not? it seems so harsh that in this place, what friends actually mean is ppl who u juz hang out with, and ppl who laugh with u. but to cry with u? think about it.

u see, i have this group of friends who i'm very close with. well sort of, or juz maybe a bit, i dunno. whatever happened today seem to let me doubt my relationship with them. i dont wanna talk about what led me to doubt them, but i juz wanna confess that, dont ever take me for granted. for one thing, i am NOT a cnn. i dont have an antennae attached to my head, or a satellite that floats around PJ detecting all the information. and i hate to say this, i really really despise ppl who come to me and tell me "i thought u shud know so-and-so" or "i thought miss who-and-who has informed u" or whatever crap that starts with I THOUGHT. look, u guys are my frenz, i'm not gonna be hard on u or hurt u intentionally through this post (if any of u are reading this). i juz want u to realise that in being a human being, it's not juz about u. does it kill u to juz send a msg of what shud be done, or what shud be worn on a photography session, or what shud be brought for next day's lesson? i mean, whether i already knew it or not is another business (or rather a business of mine) but if u think it is right to inform me, i'll be happily and gratefully to thank u! i ain't gonna scold u or tell u off for giving me same info, u see. a human being, esp if u call urself a friend, shud take notice of all these. it's not juz about u, like i said b4. sometimes i wonder y i have to think so much for others when i can simply choose to ignore. no, bcoz i'm not such person. i know, for some reason, that eventhough we might not be that close, we have to help others, tel them whatever they need to know, lend a hand whenever they need it, be proactive eventhough they didn't ask for it. it makes me feel good for not being self-centred and selfish. maybe u guys are not what i described, but u guys really really truly desappoint me today. the reason i am sad is not bcoz i'm having any family troubles or what, it's bcoz of u all. my friends. ppl who i care alot. and they have disappoint me. if this is de first time, i can forgive and forget. but i've met many ppl with the phrase "i thought...." and that's y when it was my friends who do it to me, i crumble. some of u are juz too ignorant for this. and u might think i am such a whiney to get upset over such issue, but i tell u what, this really matters alot to me.

i dont need u guys to feel sympathetic, or giving me a shoulder pat, or promising me empty words. i am a very simple person , with juz simple wish from u. i will continue to care for all of u, continue my way of helping others. i juz wish u guys will not take me for granted. dont ever assume anything in life. not juz for me, but for others. bcoz ur assumptions might lead u to things u wish will never happen. this is juz a small issue, but in the future, u might face something worse than this. for those who're ignorant, u know who u are and i'm not gonna pursue about it. i don't mind u treating me such way, but please for ur sake, learn to be someone who not only think for urself, but the ppl around u. esp those u call as friends. u need them, and they need u.

family, yeah right. sharing. yeah right. for now i cant look into these two terms. i juz hope i can find a way to forgive and forget.


ps: the photography session today, i've missed it. was in the elective class. i dunno whether any of u notice it anot. i dont expect much from u guys either.


disappointing....................................

Random Part 2

u know what, college projects are always worth joining for experiences and the joy of meeting new ppl. however, sorry to say this, but i've never heard or seen or experience anything stupider than DONATION DRIVE. it is basically an activity which insults a human's intelligence and abilities. and for the many reasons of it, i still dont understand y our uni can permit the students to have a life of a beggar on the streets. trust me, if i have to do it again in the future(i mean donation drive), i'll rather swallow live eels.

donation drive itself is horrific enough, what really make me ultimately unhappy was the fact that some people who have more responsibility in marketing is not around to beg with us. pathetically there are only 9 of us that day. and so i thought one of them should be the manager for marketing. but she was not there. busy for something only she knows. a very quick and easy excuse actually, ppl with no common sense can also say that. all she has to do is to wait patiently and happily for us to bring back the money and business cards for her, us bearing the humiliation. anyway, we went to somewhere, a market actually, where ppl are busy shopping for their groceries, butcher chopping meat away, the stench was unbearable, someone beside me advised us to put on a smiley face when approach them for donation, aunties with grumpy looks passing by with trolley bags, uncles puffing cigarettes and reading newspaper, not one of them looked as if they're ready to hand in some cash for us. and so we started going about the whole area, 'asking' for them to donate generously. the ugly truth is, they not only donate un-generously, also we got to see the colours of their faces. we ARE like beggars:

some happily ignored us even when we greeted them good morning at their face (check, we ignore beggars, and they dont greet us, that's a difference)

some said no before we can finish our 1st sentence (check, we do that when a beggar waved a cup in front of us and mumbled smth)

some wiped their hands after handing us RM1 (check, we know beggars can be filthy)

some said "oh no, asking for money again!" (check, some places, like St. Anne's church, have lots of beggars)

some gave us a piece of their minds, and never bother to donate. "u guys are like beggars! bringing down the name of ur uni!" (check, even the public thinks we are beggars, is ther any more to say? only beggars dont have any uni name to be brought down, that's anthr difference)

some give unforgivable excuses not to donate, when there are lots of grocery bags on the floor (check, we do that too when ppl begs for money or to buy their goods)

when it was almost time for us to gather, i was totally buffed. i cannot imagine y i ever land myself in that situation. y do i ever go begging for smth, esp where money is concerned? y do i get myself humiliated in such way? y did i give up on my saturday for a crap like that? y?????? bcoz of responsibility? that we need enough funds and me, as a bureau manager myself, has to be part of it? y is there a thing called donation drive in the 1st place? y bring down our morality juz for a college project? y rob our own pride juz for it? someone said this: get more funds, then we can have a better feast after the project.

what? did u juz say feast? no i dont want to get more money from begging juz to have a nicer feast!!!! what's the difference of that with a beggar!!!???? i mean a beggar begs for food and clothes, and we beg bcoz we want better feast (which is also food). if we could juz be modest with the feast, we can actually save the trouble and humiliation from donation drive.! it was my roommate who pointed this out. and thank god she did, now i finally see the whole horrible picture of it, and it upsets me even more.

after that day, i was so affected with misery i din even appear cheerful when celebrating my friend's birthday. my pals thought i was sick or smth. i rather be sick than to feel awfully beggar-like. i was so devastatingly miserable i even took the KTM back home, which is a last minute decision. i juz couldnt stand the sight of college and the awful things it can offer me.

maybe some ppl enjoyed it, some thinks i'm being unfair to say such things in this post, but for me, this is juz so unnatural. it is not normal, esp if the public criticize us. if ever there's anthr fund-raising again, i'm gonna splurge my own money out, even if i have to go penniless for next few weeks. bcoz no amount of money could have buy back my pride, which is half robbed that day.

I BAN DONATION DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random

blogging this out of the blues. this week's been such a tiring week for me
and frustrating
things juz dont run smoothly, do they?
no matter how i try to make everything perfect,
somehow there must be a twist and
force me to change plans.
and i tell myself to start studying, get a grip of myself
sem2 has really started and dont deny it anymore,
yet i'm still blogging here.
ok i promise to do it after this post.

First, the registration really give me headaches i even dreamt of it yesterday night.what really happened was, i registered for an elective that clashes juz a lil bit with my timetable. but it is settled now as the lecturer has been really nice enough to put me in another group of different time so that i can catch my breath and have some lunch before class. (elective's in Linguistik faculty, that's 15mins walk!) but umisisweb stopped me from registering as it computerize the timetable. so i've been meeting the dept's office everyday, asking them about the situation and all they tell me is "terus cuba daftar. sebab kita sudah hantar surat ke SKR untuk remove timetable dalam umisisweb, tapi mereka belum ada response."

so finally, after so much of worries and fumes about how inefficient the SKR is, i called them today and talked to the person in charge with the registration. that fella told me it was my pharmacy dept now that's not updated with the info they sent. and accused them for not reporting this to SKR early.

WTF?????? pointing fingers at each other when things go wrong, is that what u only know how to do? anyway, i dun care what they say. i juz want some solutions. and he told me to have my subjects registered manually. to avoid being fined, get the office to do for me.

ok. juz hope that's what will happen soon. if i have to pay rm50 for smth that's not my fault, i'll make the office pay for me.

still, i felt recently i've become more matured. lol, i know it sounded horny la but i know myself better k. i stepped on the grounds more firmly nowadays, tackle things myself better, hold my responsibilites which are meant for me. i guess it's because of all the things i've gone through for the previous months, see how others carry themselves and not crumble over petty things. they grow up, i'm growing up, this is what life is about. i want to be a role model for myself and for others too. yes, not trying to be mushy or what, i think it's everybody's dream to be one.

there's still something i need to learn, which is to get used of being away with my loved ones. i'm starting to miss my family dy. the news of me cant go home this weekend really devastate me so much i lost my gutsy way this afternoon. ok i know i have no rights to say this coz some ppl cant even be back home for months and i consider myself lucky, yet this is part of my routine. i spent a week in college, burdened with all the troubles and worries and work, home is juz a way for me to relax and forget everything. i admit, i'm not so in love with my college life, i dont stick much around here, i juz need to get away from here once a week. get away from seeing the faces i see everyday, get away from the college food, get away from the busy life of college and uni, get away from my troubles and stress, and most important thing is, to spent time with my family for as long as i live. sometimes i think over this:

is it worth for me to continue staying here? some ppl grow to lurve this place so much, but i've been here for almost like 3sems. which means 1 year plus. and yet i felt ntg from here. no warm feelings at all. i dun mean to be cold or what, i have very nice roommates and floormates who i laugh, talk, joke, play and sleep with. i have friends around college, and they're all nice to me too. i busy myself with college activities, get to know more ppl, adapt to independent life. in the end, all i felt is not contentment. i fell into depression and emo whenever i'm alone in my room. i felt distance from laughter and merriness. i need to hear voices. ppl speaking to me. when the lights are turned off, lying on my hard bed, there's not a sense of comfort at all. all i think about is the stressful college and uni life. sometimes, i cry myself to sleep and wake up with puffy eyes the next morning. but this is what i did last time, i dun do that much now unless i really feel sucked up that day. that's what i meant by growing to be a more matured person now.

i aint complaining, staying here has given me convenience, sweet memories, happy moments too. juz that the feeling of being lost is always felt whenever i'm here. i dunno, maybe i'll leave next year, maybe i'll stay and continue to find my comfort spot here. i dont hate here, but i dont lurve it either. only empty feelings, that's all.

owh, btw a good fren of mine has juz started dating lolx. really happy for h aer, and we're gonna celebrate it tomorrow. my gang and coursemates are really teasing them alot about dating. i'm trying to prevent myself from doing so. their awkward looks whenever we tease them, i know how it felt like. and i hate to be in that situation too. so i aint placing myself into the group of ppl who talk and laugh about it. i'm not gonna talk much about it either, it's not gonna change anything.

and i got a feeling someone's blocked me from MSN. whatever la. like i care.