Undefined Post

something bothered me yesterday. something that has long buried in me haunted me again. i dunno how i got it remembered but i guess it was coz i saw someone got upset recently due to family matters. Her worries brought all the bitter memories back. things i din wanna get reminded of. i dunno why i'm avoiding. i'm not running away anymore. i promised myself to forget, but the scar is there and i will always have it within me, i know it. i'm blogging this for those who bother reading about who i was like in the past and how it changed me. A past is a past, i cant change it, nobody can. i juz hope ppl can accept me for who i am after this.

since my primary skul days, i've always been expected to be the best in watever i do. my parents, esp my mom, teachers, and even peers were always putting hopes and expectations on me. peers always comparing my work and results with theirs, teachers provoking me, telling me i failed in his paper although in fact i was the 1 with the highest mark. kids like me juz simply couldnt handle such news and i remembered bursting into tears and mom gotta come fetch me back home during skul hours(mind u this is during PRIMARY SKUL!). Mom, being very strict bout my education last time, always been drilling me up. i was terrified most of that time. the pressure and stress for a kid, i guess not many of u would und it.

and then i started to do things that i did not dare to admit until today. nope, not drugs or anything juvenile. ppl did it, my lecturer did tat b4 and they can take it very lightly and laughed bout it. but wat i did was smth so extraordinary if i were to describe wat it was, ppl would be awed at how my mind worked. it was not smth i'm proud of, but i changed bcoz of it.

when i started sec skul, i was considered as a freak. gals found their besties and own gang, and i was a black sheep among them. i din have many frenz back then. i dd tried to get frenly, but it was like this whole gang thing that no matter how nice u were, u will never be part of them. things din improve when i bcum prefect. my serious upbringing has made me a serious, no play-play person myself and thus, i earned isolation from ppl. my extraordinary acts were carried all the way up till then. until one day, i was discovered for my wrong deeds. my stupidity has never been more defined. i lied to mom before the discovery. i din want her to think that her daughter was imperfect after all. u might think that after all the years she has been teaching and training me, she reli expected me to be the best. and she trusted me. when she sat there, horrified by wat she heard, tat watever i had said were all lies, tat watever i finally admitted were all true and heartbreaking, she never lost her cool. she never spanked me in front of my vice principal. she shedded a few tears only when we were in the car and confronted me in a soft way. and that was the time when i vowed that i'd never ever let those tears fall again. i went to bed crying that day. and even when i'm typing this, i'm crying to think back all the painful past. tat night, dad was very cold towards everyone of us. mom, who i thought would be treating me the same for being so cruel to her, actually gave me a hug and consoled me everything would be fine soon. i was indisbelief. how can someone be that forgiving? she's a mom, but she's still a human! and then only i finally realised. Mom might have blamed herself for watever tat happened to me. her high expectations, her constant terrorizing methods to bring me up, her ways in making sure i excel in everything i do has caused me to my downfall. and yet i wished until now that my assumptions are not correct. it was definitely not mom's fault. she was only trying to give the best for me. but perhaps not in the right way. i wont blame her for wat i did. it was not in her control that i turned out to be like that.

after the incident, i was glad that ppl were once giving me chance again. juz like my mom, they gave me hopes tat every mistake done is to be learnt, and do not condemn those who have committed the mistakes. i remembered my fave English teacher came and counselled me. we had a talk, and i knew tat this world it's not about being the most perfect, it's to have all ur imperfections turned into lessons everyday and improve urself. my Headmistress even approached me personally and invited me to this Christian camp during skul holz.

i started anew. i built myself up to be someone who i am confortable to be. i learnt to be myself, not someone who everyone expects me to be. when i was in form 2, a gal approached me to be frenz and that was the 1st time when i actually felt wanted. i loved that fact and i would never forget it. i chased for the feeling of being who i am to ppl all the while, and finally i had it. and we were besties till today! Girl, if u're reading this, i'm sure u know i meant u =)

things improved when i am a new person. i had many great frenz for my remaining high skul days. true, i did still rebel a lil bit sometimes, like skipping sports practice for a pizza at a mall, and some other things else. my frenz and i were were even once called up to principal's office bcoz according to her, we were "intimidating to our classmates". i dun think so we were so intimidating anyway, we did wat students did best: making lotza noise. we were young, and youthful, and naive. but i loved it. it was wat all high skul meant. to enjoy while we could. i am not going back to being the devil i was. i 1 nonsense in my life. i love nonsense and laughter and silly pranks and getting naughty and breaking as many rules as possible with frenz. i am not tolerating with the no-play2 attitude anymore. bye bye to the damned thing. When i was offered a prefect post (which i stopped after the incident) again, i happily said no. who fucking cares about the cert and superior feeling and all those shit? it is so not me. i am carefree and joyful person without having to yell at my own peers to buckle up their uniforms and tidying up their hair, confiscating their CDs and boyfriend photos and spotchecking into ppl's bags like how i stinkingly did during primary skul days. nope. i dun need those. i need experience, so i joined many activities instead, and i am proud to say that i held a few positions back den. and i represented my skul in several competitions. This is wat 2nd chance meant to me. A lot.

watever i did after that were my pure effort. mom was proud and has never pushed me anymore. me entering matric was anthr great journey for me. her sacrifices to get me enrolled, she knew wat she's doing is definitely right this time and i'm thankful for it. Matric. hmm.. it was the 1st time i met ppl from all over the country. and these ppl were great ppl. they cared for me alot. and it is one place that i can felt certain that none of them knew my past and there was no need to tell them, coz in their eyes, i am also like one of them, juz a normal human being.

and so the journey continues as now i am in uni. my proudest moment. i can boldly say tat i am family's pride. and all from me striving hard. not perfect, but smth i am proud of coz it's all my own effort. pure effort. i am a leader in my own way. Uni is anthr place with many challenges, and i will take watever opportunity i have to learn as much as i could. not perfect, but taking imperfections and turn them into something that is good for me.

i am who i am today. ppl who know me for, or even wat u remembered me as, let me tell u tat i am being myself. if u rmbred me as someone funny, weird, a gal who can burst out singing Tanggal 31 Ogos when everythingg's too quiet, or who can sudd strike a catwalk while walking with u, someone who juz loves cracking stupid lame talks and annoys ppl to max, or a person who u love talking to and listen to ur stories, a gal who takes beer like it is tea, someone who loves to smile, laugh, lend a hand to u along ur path, all these signify me for being me.

i can put down my past, but i do admit that there were still some things i cant face. like there are still some ppl that i wish i'll never meet again, bcoz they were those who i knew will never be my frenz. i do put on a mask whenever i felt i'm being fragile and i don't want ppl to know what i am thinking. but i am fragile. i am strong only when i have my loved ones and ppl who cared for me. like Mayzhee quoted in her blog, a mask is not reli useful coz it'll only reveal more than it can conceal.

i hope to be a role model. there is no need for me to be a Prime Minister, or someone in the high position or someone with important titles to influence. i hope to inspire thru my words and actions. in short, myself. the reason? coz i'm a changed person, and i thanked myself for it. bcoz i changed for the sake of me. and i do ppl proud of me bcoz of being the genuine me. this is wat the whole post is about.