I Chopped Off My Hair...

....again.

After so many months of telling my frenz confidently i'm gonna keep it long and nice and be real girlish, i can imagine them going "suyuen ah, u said 1 keep long hair, y go cut it ler?"

ah i dunno i dunno!!

at the salon ystdy, that guy stylist looked at it and said "did u have a style where one side is long the other side is short?" and it is a yes. It was a pixie haircut which i really love but u see, i've been watching many korean dramas lately and all the girls have these very nice long locks and i want them!! ok back to the salon story. he took the mirror out:

stylist: if u want to keep the original length and just trim at both sides to make them even, they wont look nice. so i recommend u to cut them short a.k.a bob style, den they'll look nice and if u decide to keep them long, at least they will grow into even length.

me: izit? but.. but.. *speechless* erm... ok *falling for his words* oh wait wait, i had bob style b4 and the other stylist said i need to have a higher maintenance on it coz my hair is not thick (mine is fine and thin) so it will not bob out nicely. and my back head is slightly flatter. so u think it'll be ok?

stylist: nahhh.... bob is for ppl with fine hair. *gulp*

me: hmmm....

stylist: u seriously dont want ur different side lengths anymore? it's nice actually. *spotted a stylist with that kinda style*

me: erm, nvm. just cut it. i dun think it look nice now since it's been so long time and all the different lengths of hair are sticking out.

stylist: wat about ur fringe? u want it to be aaa style, or look like bbb or maybe ccc style?

me: ................ (seriously, i have no idea wat this fella is talking about. nobody has ever asked me wat type of fringe i want) just a fringe that can see my eyes tat's all.

and the results of all the confusion..

no pictures available yet. but i look smth like Ha Ji Won in her new drama Secret Garden. swt die me wtf. i still like my pixie cut the best. annyong long hair sobs!!! and to make things worse, i suddenly remembered that PharmNight is coming oh no oh no oh noooooooooo!!!!!! how to look girlish and pretty now sighhhhhzzzz. can someone grant me harry potter magic ability bcoz his hair could grow overnight when the style displeased him? fml

I Can Has Free Tickets! XD

i wanna blog today because i have the mood to. which comes every 2 months poor thing. omo only 4 more days to finals eeeeekkkk *bite nails chew skin* no no i'm not blogging on it dun worry.

Juz visited my good fren in hospital today. finally she had her surgery after having the nagging lump in her throat for so long time. since secondary skul when i knew you babe!!! anyway, it's good thing the surgery's successful, u'll look prettier now my dear! hope that sexy husky voice u have remain too kyahahaha =) take good care and the next time when u read this post, u're all healthy and pretty already *,*

am so so so ecstatic until my English goes all upside down inside out wrong (check title) because omg, i got 4 free tickets to watch Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1 omg i am gonna pee in my pants by thinking bout it! u wondering how? ahahaha because Daniel Radcliffe is my bf and he sends me those tix specially for me.

Nah juz kidding i dun even like him that much. i won those tickets from RedFM lah, that's lucky or wat, u say? =DDDD they were giving free cinepasses this week and i thought i should juz try out my luck in it. Knowing my style, i would probably give up after the 2nd try because hell yeah, i only succeeded after the 3rd time!!! dunno where i got all those keazaman and keinginan and ketabahan and whatnot. i was juz commenting about how difficult it is to get through those tickets because they want the lucky 9th person's sms and it's like, u gotta hit the correct time to press the SEND button on ur fon. at the precise, correct time so it means u have to be the luckier person than others in the whole Malaysia who're listening to RedFM at that moment and clicking away at the same time. and it's Harry Potter my dear, not some junk they're giving out where u might be the only one sms-ing in and even if u're not the 9th lucky person u still got chosen because obviously, there's no other ppl going for it.

so on my 3rd try, with not much expectation, i got a PHONE CALL FROM the DJ woohooo~~~!!!! she asked me y do i wanna watch harry potter so i went on saying stuff like "oh oh i reli love harry potter i read their books since i was very young bla bla bla" (so if u think this sounded familiar to u, yeah that's me) i was so dead nervous and hopping around like bunny i dun even know whether i was answering her q or not. when i finally listened back to how and what i sounded like in the broadcast few minutes later, i must say it was as if someone is presenting me with that rare pink diamond worth some hundred million US dollars. i even said "OMG i finally won it!" yes i am that happy coz i am a lucky gal lol!

Random random

got jammed a while thinking of my password. problems with ppl who abandoned their blogs and not even bother to look in sometimes. anyway back again. life is pretty simple recently. Pharmily Day's just ended. seriously speaking i can only feel half a joy throughout the event. i guess i'll feel more satisfied if i get to contribute more than juz collecting funds and waiting for ppl to claim money from me. (yep, i was the treasurer. High committee sounds good, but i would prefer work than name. anyway it was a great success.

attended kimi's 21st birthday last friday. Happy birthday babe i lub u so so much =) it was a simple yet meaningful gathering among us ex-st. marians at pastry chef (somewhere near desa park with lots of cakes and desserts as their main course). Although motly attended are kimi's former classmates and her former collegemates who i am not close with, i get to meet anthr of my bestie, Taufu!! really missed chatting and catching up with them. i felt the happiest when i'm with people like them, always. my old pals. looking at them and also the rest of the noisy fun-loving play 18SX-games gals there, it really reflects to me how different having them and the frenz i have in uni. they are like the opposite in so many aspects. no wonder ppl always said, appreciate frenz from ur secondary skul life coz that is the period where u enjoyed the most. positively true. u can really be urself when u're with them. they are the ones who u can show ur most childish and idiotic sides where they are forbidden in the eyes of others. coz we knew each other when we were all young and still growing. we can make ourselves silly, coz we are silly people back then in skul. which makes me think of my other bestie kki, who mentioned Hukum Nikyuen few weeks ago. i almost died from missing those moments we created that stupid law (which involve very difficult formulas to calculate the velocity of urine) and started bragging with each other that it will be made the compulsory subject in skul and kids will dread learning it, complaining how crazily difficult it is to their brains. yes, i dun think so i have the confidence in finding anyone to create such nonsense with me now anymore.

still, it is part and parcel of life. the past is to be cherished, not to be looked back. i have to grow. everyone has to grow.

now for something more trivial, i've been making some plans for my future. i ought to really start improving myself in my course. it burdens me if ppl told me i can cope in my studies no matter how much i complain about it. i mean, it's not like spm or pmr or watever exams we have in skul. it is not addmaths where u can juz use ur calculator and do alot of exercises. It is not like biology where u can juz memorize and understand things like photosynthesis. Or BM where u can juz learn ur tatabahasa or answer some prosa tradisional questions. pharmacy is a challenge for me. it has never been my choice to be in pharmacy. *hits self for not having an ambition* 3rd year is the clinical year, the key that i have to gain in order to serve others in future. but it is not helping me when i couldnt remember what i have been learning for the past 2 years. like it or not, i shud buck up. not being kiasu, but i seriously need to improve. i dont wish to be like those doctors (i am not gonna be one, juz taking it as an example) who diagnose patients wrongly and later being laughed at by the society. (who in my opinion are so smart nowadays they might even correct u ppl if u made slight mistakes). once i had these rashes all over my skin and the doctor said i have psoriasis. swt die me. summor ask me whether i have backbone pain anot fhl. so erm ya, i really duwan to be like him. i duwan to give out the wrong prescriptions and having other pharmacists or worse, aunties uncles to shout at me "bodoh punye pharmacist bagi ubat salah! u dari mana datang!?"

so this is what i have been thinking recently. i am scared. u see? and there are some messy dirty people who get on my nerves lately. for one thing i really cannot stand seeing a place where i stay to be not in order. it depresses me a few months already, having to come back to a place which is so crazily messed up. it is bad enough to see such condition, but having my own place made dirty and messy by these certain kind of people is taking a great toll on my patience ftl. it's really sickening having to clean up their mess for them. i am not complaining, coz i do the cleaning up all the time. it's juz that i hope from my actions, these people will learn that there are some disgustingly unhealthy habits they really need to change. but a person's character is not to be changed in a day's time.

these kinda things are bothering me alot it drives me mad. sighs. but there is one person who i can depend on whenever i have things to confide into. on the way back home today, mom saw how miserable i was with my week having to tolerate these things and also other matters plus my mood swings, she stopped by at the roadside to buy us cendols. what would i do without her? i think i have the answer. i'd juz die.

after a long time and finally blogged, why can't i juz blog smth happy?
it troubles me to think that no matter how hard i tried, it will always seem shitty to others. no matter how much effort i put in, ppl will think i am not good enough. dun get me wrong, i never said that i am great and mighty, but i do have my dignity and it sucks when u know that ur weakness is being judged most of the time instead of ur strength. maybe i am to be blamed. i do not know how to express my thoughts and feelings at some time, i monkey and kid around, is that y ppl are not taking me seriously for who i really am? that ppl can juz hurt me like how they wish to, ignore me when i'm being too quiet, and being nice to me only when i am back to being frenly myself?

tired. sick for all these. i wanted to do my best. i am doing my best. i wanted to please not only myself, but to others. i know there are ppl who put hopes on me. that pressures me but i tell myself that as much as i can afford, i will strive for it. but in de end, wat do i get?

"u are useless". so easy to say.

enough said. reflecting myself is probably wat i need. to prove them wrong. to prove them that i am worth as a human who has values in their lives. u may take it as a joke, u can utter dagger words that u dun mind throwing them at me, but i take it seriously and get myself improved. it is hurting, it is hell miserable, but it's part and parcel of life.

Undefined Post

something bothered me yesterday. something that has long buried in me haunted me again. i dunno how i got it remembered but i guess it was coz i saw someone got upset recently due to family matters. Her worries brought all the bitter memories back. things i din wanna get reminded of. i dunno why i'm avoiding. i'm not running away anymore. i promised myself to forget, but the scar is there and i will always have it within me, i know it. i'm blogging this for those who bother reading about who i was like in the past and how it changed me. A past is a past, i cant change it, nobody can. i juz hope ppl can accept me for who i am after this.

since my primary skul days, i've always been expected to be the best in watever i do. my parents, esp my mom, teachers, and even peers were always putting hopes and expectations on me. peers always comparing my work and results with theirs, teachers provoking me, telling me i failed in his paper although in fact i was the 1 with the highest mark. kids like me juz simply couldnt handle such news and i remembered bursting into tears and mom gotta come fetch me back home during skul hours(mind u this is during PRIMARY SKUL!). Mom, being very strict bout my education last time, always been drilling me up. i was terrified most of that time. the pressure and stress for a kid, i guess not many of u would und it.

and then i started to do things that i did not dare to admit until today. nope, not drugs or anything juvenile. ppl did it, my lecturer did tat b4 and they can take it very lightly and laughed bout it. but wat i did was smth so extraordinary if i were to describe wat it was, ppl would be awed at how my mind worked. it was not smth i'm proud of, but i changed bcoz of it.

when i started sec skul, i was considered as a freak. gals found their besties and own gang, and i was a black sheep among them. i din have many frenz back then. i dd tried to get frenly, but it was like this whole gang thing that no matter how nice u were, u will never be part of them. things din improve when i bcum prefect. my serious upbringing has made me a serious, no play-play person myself and thus, i earned isolation from ppl. my extraordinary acts were carried all the way up till then. until one day, i was discovered for my wrong deeds. my stupidity has never been more defined. i lied to mom before the discovery. i din want her to think that her daughter was imperfect after all. u might think that after all the years she has been teaching and training me, she reli expected me to be the best. and she trusted me. when she sat there, horrified by wat she heard, tat watever i had said were all lies, tat watever i finally admitted were all true and heartbreaking, she never lost her cool. she never spanked me in front of my vice principal. she shedded a few tears only when we were in the car and confronted me in a soft way. and that was the time when i vowed that i'd never ever let those tears fall again. i went to bed crying that day. and even when i'm typing this, i'm crying to think back all the painful past. tat night, dad was very cold towards everyone of us. mom, who i thought would be treating me the same for being so cruel to her, actually gave me a hug and consoled me everything would be fine soon. i was indisbelief. how can someone be that forgiving? she's a mom, but she's still a human! and then only i finally realised. Mom might have blamed herself for watever tat happened to me. her high expectations, her constant terrorizing methods to bring me up, her ways in making sure i excel in everything i do has caused me to my downfall. and yet i wished until now that my assumptions are not correct. it was definitely not mom's fault. she was only trying to give the best for me. but perhaps not in the right way. i wont blame her for wat i did. it was not in her control that i turned out to be like that.

after the incident, i was glad that ppl were once giving me chance again. juz like my mom, they gave me hopes tat every mistake done is to be learnt, and do not condemn those who have committed the mistakes. i remembered my fave English teacher came and counselled me. we had a talk, and i knew tat this world it's not about being the most perfect, it's to have all ur imperfections turned into lessons everyday and improve urself. my Headmistress even approached me personally and invited me to this Christian camp during skul holz.

i started anew. i built myself up to be someone who i am confortable to be. i learnt to be myself, not someone who everyone expects me to be. when i was in form 2, a gal approached me to be frenz and that was the 1st time when i actually felt wanted. i loved that fact and i would never forget it. i chased for the feeling of being who i am to ppl all the while, and finally i had it. and we were besties till today! Girl, if u're reading this, i'm sure u know i meant u =)

things improved when i am a new person. i had many great frenz for my remaining high skul days. true, i did still rebel a lil bit sometimes, like skipping sports practice for a pizza at a mall, and some other things else. my frenz and i were were even once called up to principal's office bcoz according to her, we were "intimidating to our classmates". i dun think so we were so intimidating anyway, we did wat students did best: making lotza noise. we were young, and youthful, and naive. but i loved it. it was wat all high skul meant. to enjoy while we could. i am not going back to being the devil i was. i 1 nonsense in my life. i love nonsense and laughter and silly pranks and getting naughty and breaking as many rules as possible with frenz. i am not tolerating with the no-play2 attitude anymore. bye bye to the damned thing. When i was offered a prefect post (which i stopped after the incident) again, i happily said no. who fucking cares about the cert and superior feeling and all those shit? it is so not me. i am carefree and joyful person without having to yell at my own peers to buckle up their uniforms and tidying up their hair, confiscating their CDs and boyfriend photos and spotchecking into ppl's bags like how i stinkingly did during primary skul days. nope. i dun need those. i need experience, so i joined many activities instead, and i am proud to say that i held a few positions back den. and i represented my skul in several competitions. This is wat 2nd chance meant to me. A lot.

watever i did after that were my pure effort. mom was proud and has never pushed me anymore. me entering matric was anthr great journey for me. her sacrifices to get me enrolled, she knew wat she's doing is definitely right this time and i'm thankful for it. Matric. hmm.. it was the 1st time i met ppl from all over the country. and these ppl were great ppl. they cared for me alot. and it is one place that i can felt certain that none of them knew my past and there was no need to tell them, coz in their eyes, i am also like one of them, juz a normal human being.

and so the journey continues as now i am in uni. my proudest moment. i can boldly say tat i am family's pride. and all from me striving hard. not perfect, but smth i am proud of coz it's all my own effort. pure effort. i am a leader in my own way. Uni is anthr place with many challenges, and i will take watever opportunity i have to learn as much as i could. not perfect, but taking imperfections and turn them into something that is good for me.

i am who i am today. ppl who know me for, or even wat u remembered me as, let me tell u tat i am being myself. if u rmbred me as someone funny, weird, a gal who can burst out singing Tanggal 31 Ogos when everythingg's too quiet, or who can sudd strike a catwalk while walking with u, someone who juz loves cracking stupid lame talks and annoys ppl to max, or a person who u love talking to and listen to ur stories, a gal who takes beer like it is tea, someone who loves to smile, laugh, lend a hand to u along ur path, all these signify me for being me.

i can put down my past, but i do admit that there were still some things i cant face. like there are still some ppl that i wish i'll never meet again, bcoz they were those who i knew will never be my frenz. i do put on a mask whenever i felt i'm being fragile and i don't want ppl to know what i am thinking. but i am fragile. i am strong only when i have my loved ones and ppl who cared for me. like Mayzhee quoted in her blog, a mask is not reli useful coz it'll only reveal more than it can conceal.

i hope to be a role model. there is no need for me to be a Prime Minister, or someone in the high position or someone with important titles to influence. i hope to inspire thru my words and actions. in short, myself. the reason? coz i'm a changed person, and i thanked myself for it. bcoz i changed for the sake of me. and i do ppl proud of me bcoz of being the genuine me. this is wat the whole post is about.

Smile That Charms!

Rmbr when i told u that i have weakness for guys with smile wrinkles?




Hugh Jackman



Kenneth Ma(he has la)



Robert Downey Jr



Patrick Dempsey

what do u think?

yeah, they're mostly in a more advanced age (in ur words, old) lah, and i can nao tell u that i love old guys more than young bouncy types!!! i am not kidding=) guys of such age always attract me better than pretty boys coz u juz take a look at them once again and u'll know why.

Why? it gives u a feel of secure and maturity in them, betul?

like u can lean on them, listen to their deep voices and u know that u have someone that reliable to put ur whole trust.

like u can walk on the streets with him, once in a while steal some glances at him, and when he realised what u are doing, he flashes one of his heart-stopping lopsided+wrinkled up eye smiles to u

like u can go up to him bawling ur eyes out and complaining which bitch FYL today or which uncle at the road side pick on u or which naughty kids run and knock u down the stairs, and listen to him go, "it's ok, you have me" plus all his other jokes and thought-provoking stories that teaches about life

like u can always hear smth like "i'll be the most contented guy if u love me half as much as i do" from him. (ok that line is from a novel i read some time ago)

like he knows how to protect u physically and emotionally

like u know that his advices, words and knowledge are able to change a person and he himself has his own perspective, thoughts and visions of life. he is not a whiny sort of person.


awwwwWWWWWWwwwwwwWWWWWwwwwwWWWWwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


tell u a lil secret la which is no more a secret nao anyway. i knew i always have a thing for older guys la. when i used to work in a kindergarten, i actually had a super major crush on this fella who has a 3 year old son back then. every morning he'd fetch his son to kindy in a van b4 he drove off to work. and i was the one to unbuckle the lil kid's seatbelt, receive his morning greetings, and at the same time threw polite smiles to his dad.(wat, i am a teacher leh, got wrong in smiling meh?? polite mah!) me and my bestie wud swoon over him and also hers at her working place almost all the time(she had big crush on anthr old guy too. we both like the same thing. besties no wonder!) like how he smiled, his rough intonation, his ice-cool looks, his intelligent eyes, and the unforgettable one from her "his popping veins along his arms and hands!!!! warghhh!"

yes we were hysterical over those guys then. and we had a thing for guys with brains for maths, how they concerntrate in figuring out the answer is something we went gaga over.

mark this: i dun reli fancy those now anyway. i like wise types, not genius. different wan, ok. genius is those who stuck pencils at ears while thinking and wont even look at u until they found an answer in a q. wise man is someone who already has an answer to everything u 1 in life and it is ofcoz, based on his experiences that certainly cannot be learnt from books.


does this explain why i dun have a bf till now? XD

or maybe i'll end up becoming people's family wrecker. choi choi choi, touch wood!!!! i dun go for married guys thank u very much.

so now u know smth about me la. better get back to my work now i cannot go on blogging need to settle things b4 i go for my vacation!!!!!! weeehhheeeeee~~~!!!!

and tomorrow is FRIDAY!!! FRIDAY means END OF SPECIAL SEM!!!!!!! i suka!!!!!

<3<3<3

Tips to Get Girls 2 (nah just forget bout it, not this one)

ok i've always think that this guy here is good looking, but after watching Prince of Persia, he is NOT good looking at all. he is

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

HEAVENLY LOOKING!!!!!!!!!!

If u dunno who he is, this is JAKE GYLLENHAAL, one of the yummiest faces in Hollywood. oh and u really shud watch Prince of Persia anyway, if u dun like anything that involves turning back time and quest to save the world, at least there's this really irresistible eye candy. so with my latest obsession, i juz googled pictures of him and i almost fainted with watever i saw. i grabbed some to satisfy myself and u =) go Jake go!!!!!

wat's with those puppy eyes? i can die happily nao!

The gorgeous Prince of Persia and my heart!

have i told u i have weakness for guys with smile wrinkles? that's the 2nd tip from me if u cant look as godlike as this

PS: and i do love gigi taring that're especially sharp (not vampires ok) and jagged. like his!!!!

*Die the 2nd time*

Even with moustache he looks sooooooo gorrrrgeousssss!!!!

And i am not kidding when i say i am obsessed with him:

<3<3<3<3

<3

who wud believe that he is actually the brother of this woman:

Maggie Gyllenhaal. The Knight's woman. The most beautiful woman, as wat stated in the movie's script, by Joker. ==""""

i'm not nasty or mean or bitchy, juz read Xiaxue's blogpost on her if u think I am. hmph.

Jake is mine. lol.

Tips to Get Girls 1

guys, if u're in lurve with a gal and dunno how to confess, u can try singing this song to her (add marks if come with an instrument):

Lonestar-Amazed

i think it's nice and not cheesy=)

Outings vs yakkings

ok me blogging this outta blues and waiting for my "You're Beautiful" to load ( it is a korean drama, mind you, in case u're asking how can this suyuen be so self-obessesed until can watch such narcissistic we-teach-u-the-best-way-to-beautify-yourself-and-guarantee-you'll-be-satisfied-and-introduce-us-to-your-friends-soon video) so yeah, watever. wtf.

*Lady Gaga Poker Face is on and shaking my booty*

met up with my two dear gals last thursday at the curve. goshhh i mishhh them real muchie man. panda's got coloured contact lens now which i so want since last time already(and i hate to wear specs, coz i wanna look prettier and dont wanna keep wiping my specs coz i am extremely lazy. blerrkk)

*oh yeah, pics at my fb. go see urself la i lazy upload*

and ppl said gals cant stop talking. we are a whole bunch of chatterboxes!!!!!! one conversation went something like this.

18SX anyway.

Taufu: u know, in Japan, the parents will strip and have sex in front of their children when they feel the kids are old enough. it's a way to educate them.

Me: oh? so ka? (it means reli? in japanese)

Taufu: en.

me: hick, i cant imagine that.! i mean, parents will go all strict and might ended up saying this after sex demonstration "children, do u understand!?" *kids nod nod, mom dad casually wear clothes back* "or u need mama repeat?" *kids nod and then immediately shake shake head*

ok i even made those actions, blif it or not.

yay, video finish loading. and i promise i will upload my pressies pics soon la~! byeeee

This is what u get when bombarded with holidays and stuck at home 2

ok lemme tell u this i din intend to attract anyone's attention or smth but i realised after bath yesterday, i was wearing all yellow (even that so it was my sis who pointed it out first) and then my psychotic brain went "hey i grab the banana u take my pic, ok?" and then my olympus camera is yellow too! so in the end i had to use my suckish w705 so-called 3.2megapix camera for this:

trust me if u juz finished ur meal or in a foul mood, u dont want to see this. i'm helping u to save ur computer from undigested leftovers and punch damages.


well, if u wish:


yellow shot 1



yellow shot 2



yellow shot 3 and looking all bubbly

and still i am not happy coz my slippers are not yellow, my hair is not yellow and i am attracting your attention now.

hate me or lurve me, juz see this since u've already come to this point:

are u gonna compliment me? u sure need to, i am all pretty and glamorous now, aint i? XD

This is what u get when bombarded with holidays and stuck at home

i was watching project alpha season 2 on youtube (a reality show featuring top malaysian bloggers. i watched it mainly coz i wanna see how cheesie and xiaxue look like without photoshop. i'm not being nasty of wanting to see their real faces ok, they admit alot about it anyway =="" and i wanna look like them, all dolled up and glamorous, coz i suck in photoshop, and that explains my lack of glam in my camwhore picz uhhhuuuuu....~)

and then something like this came up from Taufu:




and me playing along coz i obviously have nothing better to do juz like her. abandon project alpha a lil while.



ok u figure out what that is urself.



and then i decided to try again......


even i myself think i am a complete noob in drawing. but hey this is msn!

Turning tooo-wen-teeeee

and i sincerely hope u know what i meant.


and i happily celebrating that i'm typing in here once again. woohoo!!!!!

be gone 2nd year, welcome 20. all twos cheh. yeah on 2nd may i sorta freaked out like omfg am i actually gonna have a 2 in front of my damned age i dont want i dont want. i still wanna think i AM(in fact i felt i am still, ntg changes, my boobs are still small, my head is still all psycho[BOO!] and i still have short hair) forever 19. who wants 20 when u know u're all sweet and young. oops am i saying 20 is old and cranky?

come to think of it, when i was 12 years old(nostalgia nostalgia) i actually wondered what it'll be like to be 20..................................

so yeah, 20 is juz anthr great journey ahead!!!!! i sounded like a bitter person trying to un-bitter myself din i? XD

anyways being 20(i'm gonna keep repeating this until i get used to it) i made a list of what i think i am and am not:

1. that i am 20(rolls eyes)
2. that i am in love with shopping, reading, lady gaga, travelling, food and holidays
3. that i am so not in love with rapists, bimbos, wars, discrimination, animal abuse, studies, ugly music, acne and you(nah hahaha!)
4. that i am a family sorta gal.
5. that i am single and happy to be one.
6. that i am not a boring person. i consider myself funny and crazy!
7. that i am a great person to be with(+o+)
8. that i am pretty. oh yeah u think i'm lacking of things to write?
9. that i am a ridiculously LAZY blogger. i resumed this after 30 mins of Farm Town(in case u're in LaLa Land, this is a facebook game)
10. that i am not a fan of gore, horror, slasher, thriller, freddy krueger-typed, supernatural, violent movies. i even closed my eyes during a scene in "Ip Man 2" when Sammo Hung got pulped up by Twister and when the editor had his hand stomped by the chief officer. i like stuff like Up. thatz coz i have a fragile heart (boo again!)
11. that i am a good listener. yup, blif it anot, i have a gift not many ppl have. i listen more than i speak. although i can utter nonsense and annoy everyone to the max if i want to.
12. that i am wondering why this list is written. i think i am undefined.

i'm juz gonna stop having this list going on. duwan u guys to look into my thoughts so much (although whatever i've written is pretty trivial XD)

anyway, i spent 3/4 of my 20th burpday preparing and sitting for my last paper. then we were off to celebrate in Sushi Zanmai. me and my group of psychotic pals. pics were up in my facebook. check it up! after that, we went for bowling session, finally ended up watching mid night movie(ice kacang puppy love. not bad lah, considering aniu's 1st time in directing. he is one lucky guy, smooching lee sinjie all over) coz i was retaliating about not having enough fun XD

the next day, we went to sunway pyramid for ice skating(in my case, shopping.) after a while, a fren called up and said he gave up skating so joined the shopping crew instead. next, we hit Red Box and scream our lungs out on every song(yup our voices were enough to make Simon Cowell sent off to hospital for noise toxication). all of us were left hoarse voiced and i reckoned we gotta start using sign languages to communicate soon. after karaoke session, we went for dinner at Dragon-i. got lengzai waiter man!!!!!!! my hawk-like eyes are utilized for this, mind u. whenever he served us, he always did that with a tiny smile. awwww i want to keep ordering more food! or better still, work there. he was way hot, with black uniform and a dragon motive at his back. *drools all over my dumplings"

on 3rd day, JJ, MF, YT and i went to malacca. yup, no sign of slowing down. we were going everywhere after exams! there were no proper plans, we juz simply asked around ppl how to get there and stuff, that's all. malacca was swelteringly hot!!!!!! the moment we stepped there, we never stopped sweating. got a budget hotel near mahkota parade. and then we were off to many historical places, did Titanic pose at the ship(pics at facebook again!), went to Jonker Street for the yummylicious cendol, had the very very nice new production of durian puffs, had nyonya food and then guess what, went for night movie again at mahkota parade (Ip Man 2. only rm6!!!!) the cinema surprised me. although it's not GSC (it was smth called LFS cinema), it is huge, clean and cold! the seats are comfortable, no foul smells or seat bugs like i hinted to my pals. thumbs up!

one thing we all noticed about malacca is, the shops closed very early. esp in Jonker Street. some were not opened at all. mostly closed around 5.30pm-6pm. at night, there were so few cars u can actually sprawled on the road and rolled around happily. life was so slow-paced and peaceful and relaxing there. so much difference compared to the forever hectic and busy KL.

4th day it was time to say bye bye to malacca. got back to KL during the noon, slept and woken up by mom's call "when do u wanna come home?" XD my next door neighbour came in, saw me packing my stuff and said "yo, finally u're willing to go home liao hor." lol, i dun think so i've played enough lerrr....

celebrated mom's day yesterday at Siang Restaurant. it is a Chinese restaurant and they served great food! we had soft shell crabs with chicken floss, the super delicious tomyam squid in claypot with mushrooms, tuna fish in thai sauce, stir-fried chicken with kerabu and the complementary lou-wong-kua soup. no pics available coz ur dear suyuen kept filling her tummy without realising about taking pics to share with u. but it is highly recommended! highest floor at Sogo shopping mall. the mall sucks anyway, juz go for the food ok. mom's birthday is coming soon in anthr 2 more days wtf i haven't got her anything yet. any ideas?

oh i'll post my birthday pressies soon ! wanna get back to my game. tatazzz!!!!

HOLA!!!!!!!

YES!!!!!! finally i'm blogging. AGAIN!!!! woohoooo~~!!!!! happy anot happy anot? alaaaa i know u are la, dun fake fake anymore. if not, blah like i care!

So yeah, what am i gonna say? actually i have lotza things to tell ya. but due to the much hectic life and plus the laziness and sleepiness in me now, sorry but u juz gonna get the summary of it.

MPA1 has ended. finally. PHEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. it was a world of chaos during that period. the process is chaotic, people in there are chaotic, i am chaotic, the whole thing is chaotic. there were moments of joy, moments of heart attacks and nevertheless, i still learn alot in the end of the day. there's so much about mpa1 i cant summarize in here. all i can say is that i actually broke down after the event. can't imagine i shed tears (plenty!) for it. ok not that i wasnt satisfied, it's juz that i wished it could be better. but ppl always said, there is ntg that comes in 100% perfect. if there is, then there's no point of learning.

wait. does that mean i care for what i'm handling? lol, yes!

anyway, i enjoyed going to bed at 4am everyday for 2weeks, with only 2hours of sleep in between b4 going to class, enjoyed falling asleep in class, enjoyed feeling lost and robotic due to lack of sleep, and even enjoyed more the torture i felt because i had two killer papers few days after mpa1, with nothing but air in my brain to sit for the exam. It wasnt easy, going through the 2 papers with an extremely tired mind and soul. i've never felt so horrible and fucked up in my whole life during that period.

and yeah, i got into depression after the 2nd paper. It overpowered me that day. den, right after all the thoughts of suicide, i felt damn cold. thought i was going to die and i half wished so. i got a fever. roommates came back, saw me all wrapped up in blankets with the fan switched off and it was a very sunny day. i skipped my english class coz i was so ill i cant even move an inch off my bed. thank god for my angelic roommate, she got me some hundred plus, i got some nice sleep, which is such a tranquilizer by the time i woke up, i no longer felt depressed. no longer felt sick. i felt so much calmer. falling sick due to exam pressure may seem the reason, but tiredness is what i felt all that time. now i know y ppl said lack of sleep can lead to bad health.

anyway, let's stop all the rantings. did u know i won VIP passes to Earth Hour party at Zouk?????

O
M
F
G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i thought i could juz try my luck when the deejay said the 9th person to send in their details will get the pass. and voila, the next moment after he said he'd give a call to the winner, my fon rang! it was my 1st time listening to my voice on air too lolx.....

i am going to Zouk for a PARRRRTTTEEEEYYYYYYYY~~~~~!!!!!!!! i guess. kakakaaaaa

and i AM SO happy for my bestie recently: she had a really big crush on this guy at her college lolxx. aint no revealling her name, later u guys stalk her hmph. it's great listening to her gushing bout that chap, how she always hoped to bump into him in library and stuff. how she stalks him. how she notices his every move. it kinda makes me think of my past, where i used to like some particular guys and even plotting some stupid tactics in order to get him notice me (one involving toothpaste and toothbrush. bestie, u laughing now? kakakaaaaaaa) awwwww... the past. when i was still a silly gal with so many girlish ideas. aint i not now? not really. to be honest, i kinda envy bestie actually. it's been so long ever since i like someone. i mean, i still love seeing good-looking hunks and those thing, but somehow i'm juz like "yeah, he's handsome. anything else?" i no longer have that kinda....feelings. i dunno whther u got my meaning anot. it's like i have remained a stony heart for quite a long period of time. i no longer have all those silly lil crushes on guys anymore, no matter how good-looking or how nice he is or how perfect gentleman he is. to be able to have feelings for someone, to like someone, it seems to have died down inside me.

but i am happy to know at least i am not desperate for such thing. i have my priorities, and i have my own criteria for the guy i will fall for. at least i am not those types who got themselves so upset during break-ups, and then not long later, date some other people, and making their statement clear "i am not single after all." and then flaunting their new asset everywhere they go. juz like paris hilton and her cute chihuahua~~

"hey i'm paris, and this is my tinkerbell. aint he cute????"

"yeah i know. i must have him by my side all the time. that's y i bring him along where ever i go. u like it, dun u?"

tinkerbell looks sad. u're squeezing him too tight, paris! give him some air plz or else he might run away

Yeah whatever. happy for u again bestie. lolxxx..... and what's the best thing to end this post? it's good night, peeps...... !!!

ZOUK PARTY!!!!!!!!!!! *heartz*

Angel's Voice =)

If i have a wish, it is to have him in front of me in person, singing to me my most favourite song by him: Ru Guo Wo Bian Chen Hui Yi (If i Became A Memory)

=)

and part of it is granted today!!!!!! i am so H.A.P.P.Y!!!!

Today, there was an award show organised by Myfm in Genting Highlands. Tank was nominated for the best romantic song award. i was watching this through television anyway. and kept my fingers crossed and prayed hard that he'd win. and yes, he did!!!! omg i was so ecstatic i even stood and clapped for him(was in the restaurant, but who cares i'm his big big fan!!!!). after finishing his speech, he sang part of the song.

and a few secs later............... my phone rang

"Hello buddy! can u hear me?" (behind very noisy, and he was shouting through the line)

"yeah, i think so. but u need to speak louder!" (i shouted back)

it was my junior buddy. all the way from....

"Buddy, i'm in $%@*^& now!" (reception damn bad, cant hear where he was)

as i was "Har, i cant hear u!!" all the time, i heard something. something that almost brought me to tears.

i heard Tank's voice at the noisy background.

"OMG!!!! buddy, i heard him!!!!!!"

"haha, finally. yeah that's him. live from Genting for u."

i can tell u, that really makes my day. after one whole week, this really brings me great deal of joy. thank u buddy! u're such a considerate thing lol. din know u still remember me liking that song arigatou! listening to tank through the phone is million times better than seeing him on tv. i felt he's really that near to me. thanks for the call. thank u =)

SUPPORT TANK!! ur songs, talent and voice can bring hopes to ppl like me. i wish u the best. take care of ur health and continue to make wonderful music =)

Rojak Fruit

today.......

dunno what to say

happy. yeah
conned. yeah
missing someone. yeah
angry. yeah
disappointed. yeah
challenged. yeah
chasing for the impossible. yeah
dilemma. yeah
think too much. yeah

haiz. all feelings mixed up like rojak buah. i think i'm losing it.

2010 is a roller coaster and it's only January.

do i have what it takes to finish this ride? hope so.

Friends For Laughs Only?..?

Something's bugging me very much when i'm blogging this. and it has been bugging me too since this morning. i remembered once when a junior confessed to me a trouble of hers, she said this: do u have a true fren now in uni? i dont have, u see. when i was in secondary skul, i used to have. we shared almost everything. but now in matric, i realise i have nobody at all. or rather, i cant depend on anyone anymore.

and with that i replied: it's what life is all about.

and now i can truly believe what i said. or shud i not? it seems so harsh that in this place, what friends actually mean is ppl who u juz hang out with, and ppl who laugh with u. but to cry with u? think about it.

u see, i have this group of friends who i'm very close with. well sort of, or juz maybe a bit, i dunno. whatever happened today seem to let me doubt my relationship with them. i dont wanna talk about what led me to doubt them, but i juz wanna confess that, dont ever take me for granted. for one thing, i am NOT a cnn. i dont have an antennae attached to my head, or a satellite that floats around PJ detecting all the information. and i hate to say this, i really really despise ppl who come to me and tell me "i thought u shud know so-and-so" or "i thought miss who-and-who has informed u" or whatever crap that starts with I THOUGHT. look, u guys are my frenz, i'm not gonna be hard on u or hurt u intentionally through this post (if any of u are reading this). i juz want u to realise that in being a human being, it's not juz about u. does it kill u to juz send a msg of what shud be done, or what shud be worn on a photography session, or what shud be brought for next day's lesson? i mean, whether i already knew it or not is another business (or rather a business of mine) but if u think it is right to inform me, i'll be happily and gratefully to thank u! i ain't gonna scold u or tell u off for giving me same info, u see. a human being, esp if u call urself a friend, shud take notice of all these. it's not juz about u, like i said b4. sometimes i wonder y i have to think so much for others when i can simply choose to ignore. no, bcoz i'm not such person. i know, for some reason, that eventhough we might not be that close, we have to help others, tel them whatever they need to know, lend a hand whenever they need it, be proactive eventhough they didn't ask for it. it makes me feel good for not being self-centred and selfish. maybe u guys are not what i described, but u guys really really truly desappoint me today. the reason i am sad is not bcoz i'm having any family troubles or what, it's bcoz of u all. my friends. ppl who i care alot. and they have disappoint me. if this is de first time, i can forgive and forget. but i've met many ppl with the phrase "i thought...." and that's y when it was my friends who do it to me, i crumble. some of u are juz too ignorant for this. and u might think i am such a whiney to get upset over such issue, but i tell u what, this really matters alot to me.

i dont need u guys to feel sympathetic, or giving me a shoulder pat, or promising me empty words. i am a very simple person , with juz simple wish from u. i will continue to care for all of u, continue my way of helping others. i juz wish u guys will not take me for granted. dont ever assume anything in life. not juz for me, but for others. bcoz ur assumptions might lead u to things u wish will never happen. this is juz a small issue, but in the future, u might face something worse than this. for those who're ignorant, u know who u are and i'm not gonna pursue about it. i don't mind u treating me such way, but please for ur sake, learn to be someone who not only think for urself, but the ppl around u. esp those u call as friends. u need them, and they need u.

family, yeah right. sharing. yeah right. for now i cant look into these two terms. i juz hope i can find a way to forgive and forget.


ps: the photography session today, i've missed it. was in the elective class. i dunno whether any of u notice it anot. i dont expect much from u guys either.


disappointing....................................

Random Part 2

u know what, college projects are always worth joining for experiences and the joy of meeting new ppl. however, sorry to say this, but i've never heard or seen or experience anything stupider than DONATION DRIVE. it is basically an activity which insults a human's intelligence and abilities. and for the many reasons of it, i still dont understand y our uni can permit the students to have a life of a beggar on the streets. trust me, if i have to do it again in the future(i mean donation drive), i'll rather swallow live eels.

donation drive itself is horrific enough, what really make me ultimately unhappy was the fact that some people who have more responsibility in marketing is not around to beg with us. pathetically there are only 9 of us that day. and so i thought one of them should be the manager for marketing. but she was not there. busy for something only she knows. a very quick and easy excuse actually, ppl with no common sense can also say that. all she has to do is to wait patiently and happily for us to bring back the money and business cards for her, us bearing the humiliation. anyway, we went to somewhere, a market actually, where ppl are busy shopping for their groceries, butcher chopping meat away, the stench was unbearable, someone beside me advised us to put on a smiley face when approach them for donation, aunties with grumpy looks passing by with trolley bags, uncles puffing cigarettes and reading newspaper, not one of them looked as if they're ready to hand in some cash for us. and so we started going about the whole area, 'asking' for them to donate generously. the ugly truth is, they not only donate un-generously, also we got to see the colours of their faces. we ARE like beggars:

some happily ignored us even when we greeted them good morning at their face (check, we ignore beggars, and they dont greet us, that's a difference)

some said no before we can finish our 1st sentence (check, we do that when a beggar waved a cup in front of us and mumbled smth)

some wiped their hands after handing us RM1 (check, we know beggars can be filthy)

some said "oh no, asking for money again!" (check, some places, like St. Anne's church, have lots of beggars)

some gave us a piece of their minds, and never bother to donate. "u guys are like beggars! bringing down the name of ur uni!" (check, even the public thinks we are beggars, is ther any more to say? only beggars dont have any uni name to be brought down, that's anthr difference)

some give unforgivable excuses not to donate, when there are lots of grocery bags on the floor (check, we do that too when ppl begs for money or to buy their goods)

when it was almost time for us to gather, i was totally buffed. i cannot imagine y i ever land myself in that situation. y do i ever go begging for smth, esp where money is concerned? y do i get myself humiliated in such way? y did i give up on my saturday for a crap like that? y?????? bcoz of responsibility? that we need enough funds and me, as a bureau manager myself, has to be part of it? y is there a thing called donation drive in the 1st place? y bring down our morality juz for a college project? y rob our own pride juz for it? someone said this: get more funds, then we can have a better feast after the project.

what? did u juz say feast? no i dont want to get more money from begging juz to have a nicer feast!!!! what's the difference of that with a beggar!!!???? i mean a beggar begs for food and clothes, and we beg bcoz we want better feast (which is also food). if we could juz be modest with the feast, we can actually save the trouble and humiliation from donation drive.! it was my roommate who pointed this out. and thank god she did, now i finally see the whole horrible picture of it, and it upsets me even more.

after that day, i was so affected with misery i din even appear cheerful when celebrating my friend's birthday. my pals thought i was sick or smth. i rather be sick than to feel awfully beggar-like. i was so devastatingly miserable i even took the KTM back home, which is a last minute decision. i juz couldnt stand the sight of college and the awful things it can offer me.

maybe some ppl enjoyed it, some thinks i'm being unfair to say such things in this post, but for me, this is juz so unnatural. it is not normal, esp if the public criticize us. if ever there's anthr fund-raising again, i'm gonna splurge my own money out, even if i have to go penniless for next few weeks. bcoz no amount of money could have buy back my pride, which is half robbed that day.

I BAN DONATION DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random

blogging this out of the blues. this week's been such a tiring week for me
and frustrating
things juz dont run smoothly, do they?
no matter how i try to make everything perfect,
somehow there must be a twist and
force me to change plans.
and i tell myself to start studying, get a grip of myself
sem2 has really started and dont deny it anymore,
yet i'm still blogging here.
ok i promise to do it after this post.

First, the registration really give me headaches i even dreamt of it yesterday night.what really happened was, i registered for an elective that clashes juz a lil bit with my timetable. but it is settled now as the lecturer has been really nice enough to put me in another group of different time so that i can catch my breath and have some lunch before class. (elective's in Linguistik faculty, that's 15mins walk!) but umisisweb stopped me from registering as it computerize the timetable. so i've been meeting the dept's office everyday, asking them about the situation and all they tell me is "terus cuba daftar. sebab kita sudah hantar surat ke SKR untuk remove timetable dalam umisisweb, tapi mereka belum ada response."

so finally, after so much of worries and fumes about how inefficient the SKR is, i called them today and talked to the person in charge with the registration. that fella told me it was my pharmacy dept now that's not updated with the info they sent. and accused them for not reporting this to SKR early.

WTF?????? pointing fingers at each other when things go wrong, is that what u only know how to do? anyway, i dun care what they say. i juz want some solutions. and he told me to have my subjects registered manually. to avoid being fined, get the office to do for me.

ok. juz hope that's what will happen soon. if i have to pay rm50 for smth that's not my fault, i'll make the office pay for me.

still, i felt recently i've become more matured. lol, i know it sounded horny la but i know myself better k. i stepped on the grounds more firmly nowadays, tackle things myself better, hold my responsibilites which are meant for me. i guess it's because of all the things i've gone through for the previous months, see how others carry themselves and not crumble over petty things. they grow up, i'm growing up, this is what life is about. i want to be a role model for myself and for others too. yes, not trying to be mushy or what, i think it's everybody's dream to be one.

there's still something i need to learn, which is to get used of being away with my loved ones. i'm starting to miss my family dy. the news of me cant go home this weekend really devastate me so much i lost my gutsy way this afternoon. ok i know i have no rights to say this coz some ppl cant even be back home for months and i consider myself lucky, yet this is part of my routine. i spent a week in college, burdened with all the troubles and worries and work, home is juz a way for me to relax and forget everything. i admit, i'm not so in love with my college life, i dont stick much around here, i juz need to get away from here once a week. get away from seeing the faces i see everyday, get away from the college food, get away from the busy life of college and uni, get away from my troubles and stress, and most important thing is, to spent time with my family for as long as i live. sometimes i think over this:

is it worth for me to continue staying here? some ppl grow to lurve this place so much, but i've been here for almost like 3sems. which means 1 year plus. and yet i felt ntg from here. no warm feelings at all. i dun mean to be cold or what, i have very nice roommates and floormates who i laugh, talk, joke, play and sleep with. i have friends around college, and they're all nice to me too. i busy myself with college activities, get to know more ppl, adapt to independent life. in the end, all i felt is not contentment. i fell into depression and emo whenever i'm alone in my room. i felt distance from laughter and merriness. i need to hear voices. ppl speaking to me. when the lights are turned off, lying on my hard bed, there's not a sense of comfort at all. all i think about is the stressful college and uni life. sometimes, i cry myself to sleep and wake up with puffy eyes the next morning. but this is what i did last time, i dun do that much now unless i really feel sucked up that day. that's what i meant by growing to be a more matured person now.

i aint complaining, staying here has given me convenience, sweet memories, happy moments too. juz that the feeling of being lost is always felt whenever i'm here. i dunno, maybe i'll leave next year, maybe i'll stay and continue to find my comfort spot here. i dont hate here, but i dont lurve it either. only empty feelings, that's all.

owh, btw a good fren of mine has juz started dating lolx. really happy for h aer, and we're gonna celebrate it tomorrow. my gang and coursemates are really teasing them alot about dating. i'm trying to prevent myself from doing so. their awkward looks whenever we tease them, i know how it felt like. and i hate to be in that situation too. so i aint placing myself into the group of ppl who talk and laugh about it. i'm not gonna talk much about it either, it's not gonna change anything.

and i got a feeling someone's blocked me from MSN. whatever la. like i care.